Anxiety

 Anxiety and depression. Taboos right? Something you don’t talk about. Yet so many suffer from these, me included. I first suffered from anxiety at 11 years old. My dad had just died a couple of months before. I was too young to take “real” medication for it so the doctor gave me antihistamines and I went to see a psychologist once a week. I think I saw her for a year maybe. Years went by. Then after our second son I had postpartum depression. He was born 6 weeks too soon and I had spent 2 weeks laying in the hospital bed because my water broke. It was too much I guess. Our first son was only 20 months old at the time and needed a lot of attention as well. I don’t remember much from this time period, it went by fast and in a fog. I did take for the first time light medication for it but not for long. 

We moved to France at one point and I wanted to see an English speaking psychologist. Found one but only went a couple times because it was way too expensive and not refunded by the social security. Years went by and I was pretty fine. Nothing major. 

Then came October 2016. I had to go remove a tooth that was broken. And something weird happened. I got so anxious after and got scared that it won’t heal etc. I googled all the weird symptoms I felt like a had. Went to numerous dentists because I felt like my teeth were falling out and had pain all over. And this lasted and lasted. Really felt like I was losing it. All because of a tooth. Can you imagine. Now that I think about it, it all seems so dumb. But when your mind decides to do it’s own thing...either you are strong and you handle it or you might be a little too weak, tired, distracted...

I had to be put on anti anxiety medication and antidepressants. I went to work half stoned. At least it felt like it. Until they really started to work I had lost 8 kilos because I had no appetite. At my age you look really sick at 42 kilos. It took a couple of months to get better again. But I haven’t been able to stop my antidepressants. I have tried but haven’t been able to. I don’t take anxiety medication anymore though. 

Then again if the meds help me to feel better why feel bad about taking them? I don’t. Some might but I don’t. I know that without I’m invaded by all kinds of thoughts that give me such anxiety that I feel like suffocating. I still get those feelings even with my meds but less often and not so strong. And I know I’m not alone. When you get older it comes clear that mental illnesses are very common. I know people who suffer from anxiety, depression, ocd, adhd, bipolar disorder, borderline disorder, panic attacks...And there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t mean that you are crazy. Or less worthy. 

And we should be able to talk about our illnesses freely, without shame. Keeping everything to yourself only makes it worse. So find someone you trust, a family member, friend, a doctor and speak about how you feel. And don’t forget, you are not alone!